This Is How Life Is Too!

Always feels good on the top step! Found a win and some confidence at Xenia OVCX in the Elite Master's class!
Photo: Don "Hoss" Walker

Fighting the Up-hill at St Mary's OVCX
Photo: Kent Baumgardt

Victories and defeats. Highs and lows. The good the bad.
Call it what you want, but life is full of its ups and downs. It never ends. I've felt quite defeated the first few weeks of the cyclocross season performance wise. I have been putting in my work and training, focusing on my diet, rest, and goals; but I haven't been seeing the results. I was feeling defeated before I even slipped into my skin suite on race day. I was still having a blast at the races in all other aspects, but this feeling of defeat over a bike race wasn't me. I had to get my act together. I had to get things in perspective. 

Best team camp EVER! Thanks Don Walker Cycles! All lined up and ready to race... and hand out a few waffles:
http://www.cxmagazine.com/ovcx-3-waffle-dollar-handups-tempt-kersting-arnold

As a athlete, I've felt many aspects of defeat, lost many competitions... but losing is the nature of sport. So is winning. So in times like this I feel it's important for me to remember my feeling of greatest defeat ever; so let me briefly tell you the "20 feet story":

After finally graduating out of the 2 week ICU stay after the NDE 15 months ago I was put on the telemetry floor. I was still constantly monitored by the nursing staff... but was no longer considered in "critical" condition. The days before my surgery that led to the blood clot that went to my lungs, I was in great shape. I had done a 6 hr ride the day before my surgery (which ended up contributing to my down fall due to dehydration). Sure, I had just spend 2 weeks in a ICU bed unable to move, but now that I had survived something most people die from, I figured I would start back to rehabbing and move along with my life like a normal athlete would. Just like coming back from  injury. Turns out I was wrong. Very wrong. In fact, it would lead to my greatest feeling of failure ever.

The first day physical therapy came to my room to start my out of bed rehab, the plan was for me to walk to the hallway and back to bed, this was about 20 feet. They told me the plan and I smugly laughed at them. I literally laughed out loud. Seriously? 20 feet? I'm a athlete. I thought: "I'll show them." I remember being sat up. I didn't sit up. I needed to be assisted. It was the first time in 2 weeks I didn't have a massive amount of breathing devices, tubes, IV's, monitors, and varies other things on me to keep me alive. I felt so free! Finally, I could move. Wrong. The PT put a belt around my waist to lift me up and an old lady walker in front of me to help me walk this 20ft. Lol. I got this. 

I took 2 steps. TWO. It took all of 2 seconds and I was completely overwhelmed with exhaustion and inability to hold myself up. I tried to mentally rally and "suck it up/ HTFU" as I was so accustomed to with sports. But I couldn't do it. I didn't "have this." I had nothing. The nurse and PT saw it coming, they got me a chair immediately, and my "session" was done. It finally hit me at that moment that this was beyond anything that I had ever faced. I crumbled inside and outwardly. I had fought death, unmasked a autoimmune disease of myasthenia gravis and this was how it was gonna be? This was my life now? Why did I fight so hard for this? I couldn't even make it 2 feet? I lost it. I looked at my Mom's face and even though she was doing her best to be strong for me, I could tell we were both overwhelmed by the fact that a once fit athlete and young lady... couldn't even stand up for 10 seconds. I broke down, I bawled, I was devastated. I still break down to this day thinking about it. I wanted to give up. It would be so easy since I couldn't even get started really. But after a good cry, a moment to collect myself, a prayer to God for strength, along with my Mom repeating words of encouragement to me, I got myself together. Clearly. But it did take a vvvverrrry long time before I made it that 20 feet. I made it: One. Step. At. A. Time. When I made it 20 feet. I owned it! I felt like I had conquered the world.

 This is life. Ups and downs.

Myself and rad teammate, Terri Meek showing off our skills and our sweet Shimano Dura-Ace wheels! /http://bike.shimano.com/
Photo: Baumgardt

I got 15th in an elite cyclocross race 2 weeks ago at OVCX St Mary's. I was upset with myself. I could have easily bowed out and told myself I was not going to be able to overcome the challenges I've been dealt.
 Really?
I was upset about 15th? Compared to my "20 feet" story I should have felt like a rock star. It was time to get over it and focus on the next steps to improving my self performance and keep things in perspective.

GOing uphill a couple weeks later!
Photo: Baumgardt

Next up after that was the ovcx race in Xenia, OH ( http://ovcx.com/). I told myself my #1 goal was to stay positive and remember to never take any moment of racing a bicycle for granted and enjoy the ride. I also wanted to lay everything I had out there on the line. These things I did. I had a decent start, powered out of the corners, and pushed my limits on the barrier run-up. I knew I had a few top girls behind me, but honestly, I had no idea where I was in the race. I passed by the Don Walker Cycles team camp http://www.donwalkercycles.com/ and Don yelled out that "3rd place is just ahead!" I thought he meant 3rd place for the sub-set of the master's ladies in the race, not for the overall race! I was in a bit of a bind as I was racing to shake birthday girl and master's lady Gerry Schulze off my tail, and in doing so I was catching my teammate Terri Meek in the process. Terri is gunning for the elite series points, and me the master's points, so I had to keep my head down and focus on racing Gerry in this case. It was a blast of a race! The 3 of us stuck together for the last couple laps, going back and forth, with each of us gaining and losing speed on differing personal strong points of the course. Gerry and Terri climbed the punchy, near finish line hill like snow leopards... and I just tried to hang on. It came down to me a Gerry side by side on the last straight. I knew I had to nail the hill perfectly and I did. We had a good, clean sprint to the line and I gave every ounce of effort I could to just nip Gerry at the finish!!! Terri was just behind us and I could hear her cheering me on the entire sprint! How cool is that? I did the whole "collapse after the finish like I just did Hawaii Ironman," and had to collect myself to not throw-up. It was great! I ended up 4th overall and 1st in the Elite Master's 35+ group. Wow!!! Talk about a good feeling. Kinda like making it that 20 feet.

Go Gerry! Too bad I just couldn't let her win on her birthday! Man, it was close though!

Sprint finish!
Photo: K. Baumgardt

The next day of racing had us heading back to Indy area for a ICX cup race (http://www.indianacxcup.com/index.php ). We got a feel for some chilly temps finally and it was tough to get those spent legs out to the race course. After the feeling of such excitement from the previous day, I took a deep breath and enjoyed the lower key atmosphere of races at ICX and reminded myself how I love everything that is cross. We had a small, but quality field of women. I knew I wasn't quite at Annajean's pace this early in the season yet, but I wanted to see how long I could hang with her. 'Tis wasn't long as it turned out. Oh well. I would take chase. I found myself in 2nd, trying to shake 3rd off my back but couldn't quite do so in the tight, twisty sections. Plus, it was a open, windy venue and laps were quite long to be hanging out in the wind all alone. The gal behind me (Liz C.) was more then content it seemed to try and get past me and I obliged.

Taking chase in second place at the ICX race in Lebonon.
Photo: Planet Adventure

 I spent the next 3 laps being patient, drafting, and learning where my chance to attack would be. I found my spot to be at the "Shamrock Cycles" barriers section (http://www.lugoftheirish.com/Shamrock_Cycles/Home.html. 

I nailed the technique and put the hammer down and never looked back. I rolled in for 2nd and snagged a few valuable points for my home state series. The rest of the day was spent taking in the other important things in cross.... food and beverages.

 Love it! Love it so much! This is life! This is living!

Making my move right after the barriers!
Photo: Tim O'Donnell of Shamrock Cycles- taking b&w photos like a Boss!

It was a good weekend of racing. Results wise and off the course. I'm not sure what next weekend will bring in the results aspect, but I do know I will value and cherish just being there. Just living and taking in life, and never taking race results so seriously (but still will work hard at it).

Who am I to complain about a 15th (or whatever place) in a bike race, when at one point I couldn't even breath for myself or walk 2 feet!!!! 

I really don't think God let me stay here to be upset about things like that.... 

so enjoy your own races and the season everyone!!! And don't EVER give up:)

Living the dream!
Photo: Tim O'Donnell of Shamrock Cycles

  See ya soon!