There I was.
About 2 minutes into the Master's 35-39 national championship race about to head up the first hill. I was taken back by the moment emotionally for the first time ever in a race.
Normally, I'm rock solid during a race, focused, and I think a tornado could pass by me and I wouldn't flinch at all. But as I headed up the muddy straight to the hill I had an open path ahead of me... I was in the lead. For a fleeting moment I was struck by the realization of something I didn't expect: I could win the race. After all, I wasn't suppose to be here. Not Madison exactly, but here. On earth. I can tell the story about how bad I was, but only I know how bad I felt personally and how this huge void of other riders in front of me was something I didn't expect. The hope of it gave me a ton of joy. After all, my goal for the day after my single speed race was to finish in the top 5. I smiled to myself for a moment and knew I had already won for myself. There isn't anything quite like the feeling of real hope. Just like when I was sick and had no doubt I wasn't going to make it, the moment I felt hope of living was a thought I will never forget... just like this moment. I exceeded every expectation of myself right then and there. It was a pleasant surprise.
Time to snap out of it though. On to the remainder of the race. I knew I had my work cut out for me on top of all that already happened during the season. I had been feeling sick since the SS race and I didn't know how it would effect me. The other work would be the heavy favorite who had won the uci elite women's race in Chicago the previous weekend. I'll say it once to get it out of my system: why anyone who WINS a well staked UCI elite race turns around and races a master's national champ race is beyond me. Personally, I think it's bad form. Just sayin. There.
As to no surprise, I quickly lost the lead on the hill. It was sloppy enough that everyone dismounted to run it. By this point it was a clear group of 4 of us that had already gained a fair gap on the main field. This would be the race for stars and bars here. Being that I had not raced national level races all year, I took a look around to assess who I was racing here. I knew the pro Sally would do her thing. I recognized a CO sponsor on one of the gals kits (perhaps some good mtb skills?) and knew Corey C from previous years. But how would everyone hold up? I had no idea.
As the first lap played out I just focused on me. The other 3 gals gained a slight amount of time on me and I was in 4th for quite some time. I had made a few minor errors the first lap and needed to adjust some lines for the next time around. It was also clear that a clean bike would be needed from the Bob's Red Mill mechanics (Dave and Ray) in the busy pits every lap if not more. The course was tons of fun, but it required patience as the corners were so slick that standing up out of the corners wouldn't be possible. I had power, I just had to pick the best spots to redirect it. So I did. Near the end of the 2nd lap I regained the 2nd and 3rd place group. and held steady with them. It was clear to me that Corey was getting a bit tired but Kristal from CO was strong in the technical sections and could ride the climbs better then myself. We dropped Corey near the end of the 2nd lap. And there it was again: hope. Would I finally break that 4th place spot at nats? I knew 1st place was way off the front, but it was a real chance I
could get 2nd. Surprise!
The 3rd lap we held the group going back and forth. I knew where I was stronger and weaker. Coming through the start/ finish on the final lap I decided to try and gain some time in the power requiring muddy straights and I held 2nd place for a while. It was really cool to have so many people cheering for me personally out there! I was so excited and thrilled to be in that position and this just put icing on the cake! Thanks to all of you!
(Nice little video of last lap battle by Marion U's Dean Peterson. Thanks Dean!)
Kristal slowly gained some more time back up to me and we were in a straight up mano e mano battle for 2nd. I knew she would get me on the last hill so I knew I had to take a chance and try to gain time by riding the sketchy sand pit before that. I dove into it. Rode it. Until I bobbled. Darn. She instantly gained 5 seconds on me. I got it back together and put my head down and tried my best to get back to her. You never know right? Anything can happen in cross. Turns out though, it didn't. We held that placing to the end. I came across in 3rd place and was completely happy with the way I raced. I had a blast. To me, that's what racing should be. Bar to bar, a nail bitter to the end that requires risks to be taken. I just happened to bobble, but that's okay. If given the chance again... would I take the safe route? Who knows? Knowing me, probably not. No sense in playing it back now. Life is shaped by the risks, chances, failures, and heartbreaks we experience. There are no "do overs."
I can't say enough how proud I was to have gotten 3rd. I can't say how proud I was really to even just be racing. It was a personal struggle that so many have helped me overcome. Months ago when I was unsure of how my health would handle the recovery, handle functioning with 1 and a half lungs, handle dealing with a chronic illness of myesthenia gravis; I told my closest friend, my Mom, that I would accept never being able to ride seriously again. It was a heartbreaking acceptance knowing what I love so much was not going to be possible anymore. But it might be my fate, and I had to move on and accept it.
How would you get along if you could no longer do what you love the most?
I accepted whatever God had planned for me, but I wanted to see how it would go. Which was it: yes or no?
At the end of the day a writer from Cyclocross magazine, Ted Burns, (
http://www.cxmagazine.com/cyclocross-national-championships-2012-masters-women-35-39-madison ) interviewed me on the race. In his report later he said my story was worthy of a true Hoosier comeback story. That's what he told me at the end of the interview too. Of course, I love that movie. I grew up with a basketball in my hands, lived and breathed basketball. I still get excited during the final game of the movie. Everything about my basketball life parallelled the plot of Hoosiers it seemed. I grew up in a town of 140 people in Indiana, no one thought we could ever be at the top. The team in Hoosier's didn't belong in a state final. But they did and it was a wonderful story in the end. A real tear jerker.
When I got back to my truck to change before the podium presentation I glanced at my phone. So many messages from loved ones, friends, and family. Everyone was so happy for me and had a blast following the race online. It was a cool moment to read though all the messages. They were happy for me, but even if no one would have been... I was happy for my own personal reasons.
This was the end to my story for the season... I reflected on the last half year quietly to myself. It was a good story. But for me, it wasn't just a tear jerker.
I let the entire flood gates open!
