"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance , character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us."- Romans 5:3-5
But I know its real, I "feel" its real and I refuse to start feeling sorry for myself or start diving into a cloud of depression (even though I want to). I've spent the last several days asking God why this is happening to me, what this is all about. I just don't understand. Thankfully, through knowing God and having faith I don't have to, I've resolved to trust the He has a plan for me and I have faith in that- I don't have to understand and I refuse to be angry at my God that has blessed me with so much. I just take it as another test from Him in my faith. I find it quite interesting that my Bible study group has been studying Exodus where God asked for so much trust from the Hebrews and I can find some parallel in my life to that amazing event right now. I feel like I was just asked to walk through the parted water of the Red Sea!
The last few weeks have been building up nicely on my fitness, I felt I was really getting strong and was setting up nicely for cross season. Saturday I woke with a slight pain in my side, blew it off, did some shopping and headed out on an evening ride. I bonked on my ride, or at least I thought I bonked. I failed to eat lunch before the ride, but looking back I did so because I wasn't hungry. It was a rough trip back home after bonking, I even stopped and sat on the side of the road 3 times to rest. Not very Nicke like. Sunday I had more pain after sleeping 14 hours, but I had a great mtb and I figured it was just gas pain, but man was I tired. Monday was worse yet, I was on OB call, slept another 14 hours and deep down I knew I needed surgery. That evening I did a couple C-sections and found myself overwhelmed with nausea and left my last case to my shift relief throwing up. I called my general surgeon at home and we decided to let me give it one more night of rest and we would see how things were in the morning. Ha! Maybe I should have ate and apple and taken an aspirin. I woke up Tues feeling pretty bad, I didn't eat or drink anything somewhat because I was nauseated and somewhat since I kinda knew I would need surgery. I went to work and had a full day of anesthesia lined up in the OR and I did my best to displace my own feelings to take care of my patients. I did a couple cases and after seeing my own surgeon I decided to give in and have a CT scan to see what was going on. Thankfully, my colleague Bre was able to relieve me from my cases and I went into patient mode with the thought that I would just get the scan then finish my day at work... I ended up finishing the day being the one worked on. I was in shock and disbelief when Dr Pat Ilada told me I needed surgery, but I was also kinda relieved that I could just lay down and rest and quit trying to fool myself into feeling good.
So off to surgery I went. I didn't want to have surgery again and I was not looking forward to being in pain and dealing with everything surgery/ recovery entails, but I can honestly say that I was not afraid or nervous to go under. I trusted God and was blessed to have my OR family take care of me. Mick got me prepped and ready to go, Bre did my anesthesia, Ronda was my nurse, Martie assisted, and Pat did the operation. I was also lucky to spend my hospital stay after with the OB nurses and I can't thank Molly and Dawn enough for the great care I received. I had things done laperscopically, and that's a good thing. That will decrease my recovery time by a couple weeks. Surgery to remove the appendix went good. I have some other issues that were found and those will hold long term issues for me to deal with. He found that I have a nasty looking left ovary, which is scary since I already had the right one taken out. I also have endometriosis which is defined as: a debilitating gynecological medical condition in females in which endometrial-like cells appear and flourish in areas outside the uterine cavity, most commonly on the ovaries. I'll deal with that in the near future and will have more appointments to see what we will do with this. And I do plan on dealing with, and overcoming these things. Its a lot to take in and I'm glad I don't have to alone.
Now I focus on recovery. I'm still on a semi-liquid diet, and in the acute healing phase. I increase my walking and out of bed time every day. I hope to climb back on the training in the next week or so. I'm training hard to recover. I'm not stranger to that.
Having emergency surgery and diagnosis such as the endometriosis kinda puts life in perspective. I miss riding already, and riding and racing is a bigger metaphor to life, but its not everything. I'm not really sure what is, but I do know that faith in God and family is.
Having emergency surgery and diagnosis such as the endometriosis kinda puts life in perspective. I miss riding already, and riding and racing is a bigger metaphor to life, but its not everything. I'm not really sure what is, but I do know that faith in God and family is.
And more importantly I do know this:
You can train yourself to be the best athlete, you can make all the money in the world, be the envy of your peers, conduct yourself like a jerk, speak poorly of others, or be the very best, moral person you can be. But the truth is: that can all change in the blink of an eye. Everything, good or bad, can change. And in the end its only you and your relationship with God.
What's yours?
Like Dr Suess says, "I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a lurch."
That's right Dr., but God will never fly on if you believe.
1 comment:
Dang. How long is the healing process for your surgery? Are you able to do any soft pedalling or anything? I'm sorry to hear about this unexpected mountain that got in the way =(
Well, one positive thing...I'd say you're really lucky to only just now in your 30's find out you have endometriosis through being opened up, not through actual symptoms. A lot of the women in my family have that, and they get extremely painful menstrual cramps and other weird stuff like ectopic pregnancies. There's nothing that can really be done about it, I guess hormone regulation, diet, and exercise are the answers. A lot of women have it, and some, like you, have no symptoms. Being that most women in my family have it, I probably have it but I have low estrogen and progesterone therefore don't grow much of an endometrium anyway.
I'd also warn against being told you have cysts or something and if anyone wants to do surgery to remove cysts I'd warn against it because ALL women get cysts on their ovaries. These things come and go. (I mean, ovulation is a glorified specialized cyst..and everyone gets others that are usually asymptomatic...and then they go away.) Every hormone secreting gland in your body changes shape and size and gets cysts and heals itself. Ok, a neurologist lectured me on this for like 20 minutes once because some radiologists wrote on an MRI scan that I have a possible microadenoma on my pituitary gland.
You're going to be alright! I believe in the healing powers of your body! It has come so far, and you're almost there now although you weren't expecting this last hurdle. You'll make it; you're tough.
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